Violence at Home – Do I Stay or Do I Go?

 

Planning your safety if you decide to leave or decide to stay with the abuser and what to consider packing in your ‘to-go’ or ‘to-stay’ bag

Imagine…

that you knew you needed to escape your abuser but that the last time you tried, the abuser found you and brought you back home so now, he is watching every move you make to make sure you don’t escape again.

What is Safety Planning?

assessing risk and reducing harm

Safety planning is a strategy used by victims and service providers to assess risk and reduce harm in situations of domestic and family violence. Safety planning can help people feel safer and can give them life-saving skills and tools. Since every situation is different, safety planning is not a “one size fits all” process.

Source: Government of Alberta Resources – Strategies for safety: considerations for individuals experiencing family violence [2019]

For a quick reference guide for individuals leaving or staying in abusive relationships click here.

Doing what you can to prepare

Safety planning is an important tool that victims of family violence can utilize as a starting point towards leaving or staying with an abuser. Safety planning is about doing what you can to prepare to keep yourself, your children, and your pets’ safe while you think about the options available to you while also considering the potential outcomes and after-effects of your decision regardless of what that is.

When looking at safety planning from both the perspective of a victim deciding to leave the abuser and of that from the victim who chooses to stay with the abuser, there are a lot of variables a victim must consider. Because not all situations are the same, for many experiencing family violence, it can be just as safe for some victims to remain in place with the abuser as it would be if they tried to leave.

And for every different victim, there is a different set of circumstances and reasons why choosing to stay or choosing to leave is the best choice – at that time – for themselves, their kids, and even the family pet. So, we will provide insight into both types of safety plans to reach as many victims in their different situations as possible.

Finally, because there are so many factors associated with devising a safety plan of any sorts, and because every situation and experience is different from one victim to another, there are various tools one can use to either plan the escape for themselves and their children and pets, as well as learn ways in which one can help someone they know who is being abused start the planning process and/or connect them to a professional who can help them plan and ultimately, execute a plan.

Deciding to leave the abuser

Pre-planning the escape

Once a victim has decided that leaving is the only way out of the relationship and the violence within it, being able to identify the need to create a safety plan can be life-saving. For many victims of family violence, the decision to leave their abuser can be one that was made weeks or even months in advance of actually doing it.

Pre-planning can start either on one’s own, with a trusted family member/friend/co-worker, or after connecting with a social services resource, like a Family Violence Specialist at The Today Centre or other agencies that can offer guidance and services to victims of violence.

Ideally, being able to take the time needed to watch the actions and movements of the abuser and determine potential times when the abuser isn’t home while thoughtfully and quietly gathering all of the necessary items needed for life outside the home, helps increase the likelihood that the escape will be successful. Having the ability and time to hide a ‘go-bag’ with essential items needed for the post-escape,  without the abuser suspecting anything, can also prove extremely beneficial to the victim in that they have most of what they need to survive beyond the escape.

And as with anything, being able to have some control over the fate of yourself, your children, and your pet when living with abuse, is empowering and can be a catalyst for major change in the lives of those suffering.

Examples of what to pack

Here are just a few examples of essential items one can collect over time in preparing to leave the abuser. For more suggestions, click here.

  • Your and your children’s birth certificates, passports, SIN cards (or copies)

  • A list of phone numbers of trusted people and/or resources to connecting with for help once the plan is activated (because you can’t rely on being able to take a cell phone and remembering people’s phone numbers isn’t something we do anymore)

  • Court documents, orders, etc.

  • Financial records such as bank statements, mutual funds, recent credit report, etc.

  • Housing records such as rental agreements, copy of the mortgage, etc.

  • Prescription medicine or even just copies of prescriptions you and your kids may need

  • Medical documents and records as well as usernames and passwords for access to health and dental records

  • A secret credit card from a different bank than the abuser uses that you were able to get and have been adding little bits of money into as a small nest egg

  • Cash you have been able to hold onto without the abuser getting suspicious

  • Immigration papers or proof of residency, etc.

  • One or two years’ tax returns (or copies or online access information)

  • Title or lease papers for the car

  • A hidden set of extra car keys or an access code to get into the car

  • Contact information for the local SPCA to help shelter your pet until you are safe and can be reunited

  • Your pet’s vaccination and medical records, pet license, ID tag, collar and leash, pet carriers, medication, etc.

  • Extra diapers, wipes, Pablum, toothbrushes, etc. for your children to last even a few days

  • And so much more…

Escaping at a moment’s notice

Unfortunately though, for others, the luxury of being able to extensively pre-plan just isn’t in the cards for them and the decision to leave is one that happens instantly and spontaneously if suddenly given the opportunity to do so. So, because this can be the situation for anyone leaving with abuse, it would be helpful to even have an idea of just a few things one could possibly grab on the way out the door if it is safe to do so.

Safety planning is also something that a victim can at least begin to start thinking about and determine what they could do if there wasn’t time to plan to leave – just a spontaneous decision that arises and they just act. Even something as simple as writing down the phone numbers you have in your cell phone of trusted people you can contact if you get out and go to for help. Because for many of us, someone else pays the phone bill, or has access to the tracking system and can enable/disable it anytime they want. There are so many variables. Just knowing that you can’t depend on having your cell phone with you in that moment of escape can help you start planning for alternative solutions so that doesn’t become a barrier to getting to safety.

Examples of What to Pack

Here is a short list of potential items of importance that someone fleeing abuse with only seconds to spare may be able to grab: For more suggestions, click here.

  • Driver’s license/wallet

  • Credit or Debit card

  • Cash

  • Car keys

  • A few memorized phone numbers of trusted family and friends in case you can’t take your cell

  • Medication/pill bottles for yourself and your children (if easy to grab)

  • Weather-based items (winter coats, child’s snowsuit, blanket, etc.)

Deciding to stay with the abuser – when staying is safer than leaving

Pre-planning how to safely live in an abusive environment

On the flip side of planning to leave an abuser though, there is also the fact that many victims have to instead plan on how they are going to be able to stay with their abuser. Why? Because in some cases, it is more dangerous for the victim(s) to leave the abuser than it is to stay with the abuser so…staying becomes the safer option for them. As hard as that is for some to understand, the decision made depends on the circumstances each victim finds themselves in.

For example, maybe you’ve been isolated on an acreage with no access to phone, a car, or even a neighbour. If you leave, you’ll just have to run and realistically, how far could one get before the abuser notices and comes looking? There are many personal factors that individuals have for needing to make the choice to stay. Ours is not the job to judge, only to help in any way that keeps the victims as safe as possible – at least until another option comes to light.

Regardless of the situation, the timing, and the decision made, having a safety plan – in any capacity – is one way a victim can overcome barriers in an abusive environment. 

If you or someone you know is in danger, contact 911 immediately.

Resources for Safety Planning and Emergency Kits

To get help and start the safety planning and emergency bag processes, connect with a Family Violence Specialist at The Today Centre here.

For more information on Safety Planning, Emergency Kit lists and ideas, visit any of the following:

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Safety Planning, Family ViolenceCommunications Specialist