Being A Role Model- Family Violence Prevention Month 2022

“Positive role models are essential in both preventing family violence and for breaking the cycle of abuse. There are many people who want to make healthy changes and break the cycle of abuse in their families, yet they might not have access to the tools and information that they need. People can recognize that their behaviours are unhealthy or abusive and want to stop, but it doesn’t end there, they need to learn what to do instead. Being a positive role model does not have to be intentional or complicated; it can be very simple. Showing respect, support, encouragement, honesty and patience are a few of the many ways in which we can be positive role models in our daily lives. ”
— Serena, Family Violence Specialist, The Today Centre

Each year in Canada an estimated 800,000 children witness a woman being abused (Domesticviolenceinfo.ca). Long term effects for children who witness abuse include increased anxiety, developmental delays, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), suicidal behaviour, increased likelihood of continuing abuse later in life, inappropriate sexual behaviours, and drug abuse, among many other effects. When we put these statistics and this information into perspective, it points to a larger problem- the absence of positive fatherly role models in a child’s life.

Now let’s be clear, when discussing a ‘father’ figure I do not strictly mean individuals who marry into a heterosexual relationship and procreate a child. It’s important to consider that a ‘father figure’ in a child’s life can mean anyone with a strong masculine presentation who takes on paternal qualities and may be an emotional substitute for a father. They can be birth dads, step dads, the other parent’s partner, a teacher, a coach, a grandparent, etc. And when we look at the data, the absence of an individual to fill that role in a child’s life, whether by being present but abusive or being absent altogether, the impact on that child is tremendous.

Children without a present, positive, fatherly role model are 11 times more likely to be violent towards others. Father-deprived children also account for 72% of all teenage murderers and 60% of rapists (Canadian Children’s Rights Council). The list of negative impacts goes on. They are 90% of runaways, 3 of 4 teen suicides, 70% of kids incarcerated, 80% of the adolescents in psychiatric hospitals, and on and on.

Children with a present, positive, fatherly role model have a lower likelihood of maltreatment allegations. They are twice as likely to enter college or find stable employment after high school, 80% less likely to spend time in jail, and half as likely to experience multiple depression symptoms. Positive Fatherly Involvement has been associated with higher levels of sociability, confidence, and self-control (Children’s Bureau) and is also correlated with high levels of self-reported happiness, fewer anxiety problems, and children are better able to manage their emotions and impulses in an appropriate manner (Father Involvement Initiative).

The good news is that the landscape of fatherly involvement is changing. According to Stats Canada, men spent 360 minutes per workday with family members in 1986. By 2010, this reached 379 minutes. Today, that number has only risen to around 500 minutes.

Further, 3/4 of surveyed Canadian dads say that they’re more involved with their children than their father had been with them. In a 2014 report from the Involved Father and Gender Equity Project, interviews with new fathers revealed that their family life benefited from their expanding involvement and had seen significant improvement in the quality of their time spent together. They also reported that greater participation in housework and child-rearing promoted equality within their parental relationships. And overall, many said that community supports and connections with other fathers encouraged them to have increased involvement in their children’s lives.

So how much more impacted are children when they are surrounded by positive role models of all genders? If having a present, positive fatherly role model makes this much of an impact on a child’s life, it is vital that children have positive role models of all walks of life around them. Studies show that having positive role models contributes to an overall positive prosocial environment in a child’s community. Further, seeing members of the same ethnicity, gender, age, sexual orientation, or otherwise, demonstrating the behaviours of a positive role helps children see that they also have the potential to develop into a healthy, functional, positive adult.

See, being a positive role model (of any kind) is often a generational or communal quality. Sometimes the role of ‘father’ or ‘mother’ is taken on by multiple people in a child’s life and perhaps, it is even done so through various stages of life. Often role modelling comes in various forms through celebrities, grandparents, teachers, peers, friends, or other family members. And lastly, role modelling has a trickle-down effect. When one person learns positive and respectful behaviour they reciprocate those behaviours to others around them. Positive behaviours like respect, kindness, servitude, non-judgment, support, honesty, and patience are all behaviours that help prevent family violence. Even more so, beyond just actions, the words we use when talking to others or describing someone make a difference on the outlook a child has about someone or something else.

It is important to remember that being a positive role model can take many different forms and that just because you are not necessarily a primary caregiver, a birth parent, or someone super close to a child, your actions around and to a child make a difference. That is why it’s essential that we positively influence children’s behaviour and act appropriately to show them how to handle emotions like anger, disappointment, and sadness in a healthy way. It is not only the parents’ responsibility to be role models, everyone has a part to play in behaving in a way the models healthy relationships and behaviours.

Together, we can break the cycles of family violence.

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POSITIVE FATHER INVOLVEMENT (PFI)

Positively Involved Fathers view their role as a co-parent rather than a “helper” and have warm, loving relationships with their child(ren). They adjust their involvement to meet the needs of the child and engage in diverse forms of parent, including play and discipline.

There are three main aspects to positive fatherly involvement (PFI); Engagement- direct one-on-one time with a child, Accessibility- indirect involvement and availability of the father to the child, and Responsibility- attitude and commitment of a father to their child.

ENGAGEMENT

  • Activities like changing diapers, bathing, or feeding an infant

  • Exploring extracurricular activities together like sports, hiking, or crafts.

  • Reading to a child, taking them to the doctor, or helping with their homework.

ACCESSIBILITY

  • Includes preparing food for the child, being available to answer questions, or taking time off work to be with a sick child.

  • Being present for vital moments and milestones in a child’s life.

RESPONSIBILITY

  • A father’s willingness or desire to be involved, ie. taking initiative for what needs to be for the child and the family, and commitment to the child and family.

  • A strong desire to see positive outcomes for a child’s health and wellbeing.

How childhood Trauma Affects health across a lifetime

Childhood trauma isn’t something you just get over as you grow up. Pediatrician Nadine Burke Harris explains that the repeated stress of abuse, neglect and parents struggling with mental health or substance abuse issues has real, tangible effects on the development of the brain. This unfolds across a lifetime, to the point where those who’ve experienced high levels of trauma are at triple the risk for heart disease and lung cancer. An impassioned plea for pediatric medicine to confront the prevention and treatment of trauma, head-on.

POSITIVE TIPS FOR FATHER FIGURES:

  1. Speak positively to, and about, your partner and/or your child’s other parent. Being on the same page about the roles each of you take on in a child’s life is important, especially when your relationship with the other parent has been severed through divorce or separation. Be clear and respectful, emphasizing your desire to be involved and remember that your child needs to know that you respect their other parent, no matter the relationship you personally have with them.

  2. Create a vision for engagement. What do you hope your children say about you? What do you hope they don’t say? Answering these questions can help clarify your sense of purpose as a figurehead and guide the decisions you make in rearing your child.

  3. Be the bridge between your own father and your children. Understand your family legacy and remember to break the cycles of violence when you notice them. Your active decision to not engage in negative behaviours is one step to breaking the cycle of violence.

  4. Establish a ritual ‘father’ time. Create a space for regular time together and build traditions that positively impact your child’s wellbeing. Read to them at bedtime, take your kids to school. Choose an activity you both (child and yourself) agree on and set aside time together to complete it or grow in it. Be consistent with this time as a schedule opportunity to connect, love on and encourage on another, and create some positive memories.

  5. Know your children. Every child craves the interest, attention, and presence of their caregivers. They need you to know they are unique individuals, not vessels for your own plans or unrealized dreams. Be an expert on what interests them, what they like to do or eat, where they like to go, knowing what a certain facial expression means, the best way to get them to sleep, who their friends are, what they’re doing in school, and what causes them stress. Knowing these things sends a clear and powerful message that your child is worthy of your time, interest, attention, and love.

  6. Be known to your child. Be present in their everyday tasks and the milestones. Tell them about yourself through storytelling, what were you like when you were their age, what mistakes did you make and how did you learn from them, what hobbies and interests do you have, or how did you handle embarrassment? Not only do stories humanize you and give children a sense of where they come from, but they can be an easy and effective way to initiate meaningful dialogue on positive behaviours with your child.

Communications Specialist