How to Respond to a Friend or Family Member that is Experiencing Family Violence
Family violence is not always an easy subject to discuss with our loved ones.
Over the years at The Today Centre, we have received numerous calls from concerned friends and family members inquiring about how they could best support someone they believe is being subjected to violence. While each individual person’s story and support needs are unique, below are some general guidelines on how to approach the topic of family violence in a caring and supportive way. If you have any additional questions on how to support a loved one, please do not hesitate to contact us and speak to one of our Family Violence Specialists.
1. Remind them that you are there for them
Isolating people from their support networks is a common tactic of abuse. Reaching out to your friend or family member can be as simple as sending someone a message letting them know that you are there if they need someone to talk to. Although they might not take you up on your offer, reaching out periodically to someone can make a huge difference.
For more tips on reaching out, visit:
2. Speak out against myths surrounding family violence
In hearing about an abusive relationship people often ask questions like, “why don’t they just leave?” Asking this question ignores the reality of family violence, in which there are several barriers to leaving. It also places the responsibility of the violence on the person who has been abused. Speaking out against this myth (and others) may require you to educate yourself a bit about family violence dynamics, including the cycle of abuse, power and control, as well as coercive control.
Tell your loved one that the abuse is not their fault. Remember that leaving isn’t always the best or safest option due a variety of reasons and/or barriers. Some complicating factors to consider include timing, financial dependence, religious commitment or family duty, as well as safety concerns and fear of escalation due to threats and intimidation.
3. Listen
There are hundreds of survivors of family violence who have bravely shared their stories. Seek out these stories as these survivors are the experts of family violence. Additionally, it is important to show support to your loved one by listening to what they need from you; do not presume that they require advice. Your loved ones are the experts of their own lives and have learned important strategies on how to keep themselves safe. To show that you care, listen empathetically, be non-judgmental, validate what they are feeling and experiencing, and tell your loved one that you believe them.
4.Respect their choice
At the end of the day, you may not understand or agree with a person’s choice to stay in an abusive relationship, but it is important to respect their choice. It often takes time to recognize a relationship as being abusive. Leaving an abusive relationship must be a personal decision and it is not a decision that you can make for someone else. Do not pressure them into anything they aren’t ready for as this can create more damage than good. Remind your loved one that you are there for them. Rather than making assumptions of what they need, ask them what their needs and priorities are, and how they would like to be supported. You can offer to be a part of their safety plan in case of an emergency for both them and their children. On the other hand, remember that if they turn down any offers for support, it is important to respect their decisions and simply remain available should they decide reach out at a later time.
5. Remind yourself that there are limits to your support
(and that is okay)
It is likely that you are not an expert of family violence and this means that there may become a point where supporting your loved one requires support beyond what you can provide. That is okay, and that is what organizations like us are here for! It is okay to provide your loved ones with information about professional services, but remember that it should be their choice to connect with these supports and that you are not responsible for the outcome. Keep in mind that supporting others can be emotionally draining, therefore be sure to take care of your own personal well-being along the way.
Are you or someone you love experiencing family violence?
Contact The Today Centre for help: 780-455-6880 | info@thetodaycentre.ca | thetodaycentre.ca
For more information on family violence, visit our resources page
Are you a young adult or teenager helping a friend or family member?
Check out these resources:
Kid’s Help Phone: 1-866-668-6868 | kidshelpphone.ca
Canadian Mental Health Distress Line: 780-482-4357 (help)